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OK, Cupid, This Had Better Work (Or at least not get me killed)

February 19, 2011

Well, I joined the ranks of the pathetic online dating world today.

It’s actually kinda funny how it happened. Because really, you always think you’re the only person out there who is clearly never ever ever (ever) going to meet someone.

And then, whilst having a cocktail with a few friends, one of them mentions that her friend has gone out with like 9 guys from this free online dating site.

If there’s a hurricane in the southern hemisphere tomorrow, it’s probably because of the speed with which the other two girls whipped out their pens to write down this site.

I, however, had much more class. I paused, then looked at my BlackBerry as if to say “Oh look, a very important message seems to be coming in. I should respond to it.” And then I emailed myself the website.

Not that it’s very hard to remember “okcupid”

Ok, yeah, I would have forgotten if I hadn’t emailed myself. I just would have.

So, because my evening plans were cancelled, I sat down to have a quick email/Facebook update before doing my laundry and cleaning.

Hm. That was four hours ago. Crap.

Yeah, signing up for dating websites takes a long, long time. Especially if you start hyperventilating because no one has asked you out on a date after like 5 minutes so you have to go trolling for men checking out the rest of the site.

And you suddenly realize that, while any guy who looks at your profile will have to be ok with the fact that you happen to be, well, “curvy-to-ample”, you are in fact racing past guys who don’t fit your high standards of physical attraction.

So then you start writing messages to tons of guys to prove that you have low standards are open to possibilities with all types of men.

And then, hours later, you find the page that lists all the people who’ve viewed your profile, and that really hot guy who is, quite honestly, perfect for you, has in fact viewed your profile, but did not respond to your witty message.

So you console yourself with the knowledge that at least you know how to write good messages.

And then some other random guy sends you a message, and when you respond, he responds, and then suddenly a chat window pops up (this site has chat windows? wow!) and he wants to–meet you.

Which of course means that he is a serial killer/rapist.

And did I mention that he hasn’t posted a photo of himself.

Which means that he is an ugly serial killer/rapist.

But he offers to buy you a drink.

And you think, hmmm… I could always go for a free drink. How about the week after next?

Because by then, maybe that super hot guy will have grown a pair and replied.

Or, if nothing else, you’ll get a free drink.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Emily C. permalink
    February 20, 2011 3:02 pm

    you are hilarious! have the drink and tell someone where you’re going!

    • February 20, 2011 10:27 pm

      LOL That’s what everyone keeps telling me, so I for sure will! And I think I will keep my cell phone on my person the whole time, just in case. 🙂

  2. Emily C. permalink
    February 20, 2011 3:03 pm

    i have a question… when something in your blog shows up with a line through it, likes it’s been crossed out, is that on purpose?

    • February 20, 2011 10:34 pm

      That’s a good question! And the answer is yes, it is on purpose. The stirkethrough is a brilliant aid in bloggy sarcasm. It allows you to say what you really feel, and then replace it with the PC version.

      Par example:
      I’m so sorry I can’t go out with you tonight, but I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon I have to re-pot a ficus I just don’t want to I have to do laundry.

      Now that was a triple strike through. As in, three strikes, and you are SO out. 🙂

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